BELLA: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by BlissfulDreamer
Summary: CONGRADULATIONS! You've successfully purchased your very own, fully automated BELLA SWAN unit. In order to fully enjoy the uses of this quirky, standoffish unit and/or to prevent any unsightly mishaps, please carefully read and follow this guide.


**A/N:**I've read some of these on other fandoms, and decided to make one myself. Please enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** Sadly, I do not own anything from Twilight. Also I DO NOT own this idea. This idea and format is the original idea of Theresa Green, who is now retired from fanfiction.

* * *

**BELLA SWAN: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance****Manual**

* * *

****CONGRADULATIONS!****

You've successfully purchased your very own, fully automated BELLA SWAN unit. In order to fully enjoy the uses of this quirky, standoffish unit and/or to prevent any unsightly mishaps, please **carefully** read and follow this guide:

/

/

**PRODUCT SPECIFICATIONS**

Name of Model unit: Isabella Swan; aka Bella, Bells, Mrs. Cullen, Danger Magnet, That-b*tch-who-stole-Edward-from-me!

***Note**- This unit prefers to be addressed by the first two aliases listed above. The last two can be used to fulfill your humorous desires. But be _warned_; if you should address your BELLA unit by the last two names, it might not like you very much.

Place of Manufacture: Phoenix Productions Inc, Forks Section

Date of Manufacture: September 13, (approximate year calculated by her age and the year of copyrights) 1988

Height: estimated to be average/ medium, otherwise unknown

Weight: fairly light, otherwise unknown

/

/

**ACCESSORIES included with your BELLA unit**

**Please check that you have each of the following items**_._

2 pairs of jeans

2 long-sleeved shirts

1 pair of boots

1 sweatshirt hoody

1 prom dress

1 CD player (she'll need something to keep her entertained)

2 CDs

1 hairbrush

1 Edward plushie (will explain the significance of this item later)

[**Warning!** If this item is ever damaged, completely destroyed, lost or stolen, your BELLA unit will malfunction and go insane with overwhelmed misery. We highly advise you to get it replaced IMMEDIATELY or get an EDWARD CULLEN unit to stop the wailing and water works.]

*For a LIMITED time only, you can purchase the Big Red '84 Chevy© accessory! It may be a rusty ol' noisy truck, but it allows your BELLA unit the freedom to drive wherever she needs to go! Buy it today!

/

/

**UNPACKING your BELLA unit**

All models of the TWILIGHT™ series edition come shipped to you in large sealed boxes. To ensure that you don't end up hurting your BELLA unit while removing her from the box, please follow these steps accordingly:

*PLEASE DO NOT SHAKE THE BOX!*

**Step 1:** Remove industrial tape, and carefully open the box. When you open the box, you will notice that the BELLA unit will look confuse. That is completely normal. Just politely explain that she is in a new environment.

**Step 2:**Help your BELLA unit out of her box. If she is suspicious and does not want to come out, simply have a CHIEF SWAN or JACOB BLACK unit around to introduce her to the new surroundings. If this doesn't work, then go to higher measures and threaten to feed her Edward plushie to a tank full of piranhas. That should absolutely make her come out in a heartbeat, while closely cuddling her plushie and glaring at you.

**Step 3:**Remove all accessories from the box. It is recommended that you keep the box somewhere safe, incase you may want to return your BELLA unit for whatever reason. Dispose at _your own risk_.

/

/

**PROGRAMMING**

**Your BELLA unit is programmed with many uses. Here are some you can install:**

**Cook**

Are you suddenly craving lasagna? Then worry no further! Your BELLA unit is a natural cook! She can prepare any simple tasty dish out there! And if you're that bad of a cook, she will insist on cooking without you having to ask! To improve her cooking skills even further, have her occasionally cook for a CHIEF SWAN unit.

**Shopping Buddy**

Need a second opinion on that perfect dress you want? Don't want to shop alone? Your BELLA unit is the perfect candidate to take with you on a shopping trip! She may, however, not pay much attention to you because she's most likely daydreaming about a certain Vampire unit. But, don't get annoyed. Instead, just simply mention that you'll probably go to a bookstore afterwards. That should catch her attention in no time.

**Life size Dress-up Doll**

Yes, you've read correctly. The BELLA unit is the perfect guinea pi—uh, model to try any fancy dress/outfit on. Although, she doesn't really like doing this and will incessantly refuse to do this for you. If that's the case, get an ALICE CULLEN unit to help, as she just absolutely loves to dress up BELLA units.

**Prom Date/Buddy**

If you're a girl, and you don't have that special someone to go to prom with, or you just want to go with friends, then your BELLA unit is a good choice. It would be wise to grab some of your other friends as well, for the BELLA unit may ditch you to go hang out with an EDWARD if she sees one. If you're a guy, and you decide to take your BELLA unit to the prom as your date, you are **highly risking** your _own_ safety. Make sure any EDWARD units at the prom **DO NOT**spot you and your BELLA unit together, unless you want a jealous vampire glaring daggers at you the whole night while he secretly plots your death.

/

**Your BELLA unit comes programmed with the following settings:**

Level-headed mode (default)

Awkward mode (default)

Self-Conscious mode

Annoyed mode

Guilt mode

Depression Slump mode (locked)

Maternal mode (locked)

Self-Conscious mode is activated when the BELLA unit has the spotlight on her. She simply doesn't like being the center of attention. If you actually care about your unit's self-esteem, you can create a spontaneous distraction to draw away attention from her. Another way to trigger this mode is by letting your BELLA unit interact with an EDWARD unit in Oblivious Charming mode.

Annoyed mode can be activated whenever your unit comes into contact with certain other units in certain modes (see interaction). Also buying expensive gifts (especially on her birthday), and planning anything extravagant for your unit activates this mode.

Guilt mode is activated when the BELLA unit feels like a burden to those she cares about. Being the 'Danger Magnet' she is, being rescued all the time makes her feel helpless and weak. Also having huge fights with a JACOB unit can lead to activating this mode.

Depression Slump and Maternal mode are locked because these are special features that take great measures to activate. To unlock the Depression Slump mode (although we recommend that you don't), have the CULLEN Family Edition Set suddenly leave without the BELLA unit knowing. Once she finds out that they are gone, she will fall into a zombie-like state and sulk around. During this mode your BELLA unit will have frequent nightmares that result in loud screaming. To calm her down, give her the Edward plushie to cuddle with, and she will quietly fall back asleep.

To unlock Maternal mode, simply get your BELLA unit pregnant by an EDWARD unit. To do this, make sure each unit is ready to _get it on_, and just leave them in a room alone together. Don't be surprised if you later find your BELLA unit bruised and covered in feathers. That is normal.

/

/

**INTERACTIONS**

**Your BELLA unit interacts different to other models of the TWILIGHT™ series.**

EDWARD: A very, very, very, sexy vampire, with dazzling charm. At first this unit doesn't want to be near the BELLA unit, because he thinks of himself as a danger to her. But eventually they fall in love and become inseparable. Can activate the Annoyed mode, when he is in Overprotective mode.

JACOB: A sarcastic, fun-loving and friendly unit, that is completely compatible with BELLA. This unit claims to be in love with the BELLA unit, but their relationship stays platonic. On occasions this unit can trigger the Annoyed mode, by insulting the BELLA unit's vampire "family", especially EDWARD. Only this unit can bring the BELLA unit out of the Depression Slump mode.

ALICE: Loveable, cute, and pixie-like; the ALICE and BELLA units are practically sisters. This unit loves doing favors for the BELLA unit and loves to improve her wardrobe whenever she gets the chance to.

ROSALIE: Has poor compatibility with the BELLA unit. The ROSALIE unit does not like the fact that the rest of her family would give anything to keep the BELLA unit safe, since she is only a mere human model in her view. She also despises the fact that the BELLA unit wants to sacrifice her humanity and become a vampire. However, the ROSALIE unit will act nice to a pregnant BELLA unit. But remember, it is only a fake act.

JASPER: Not much interaction has occurred between the BELLA and JASPER unit. But there doesn't seem to be any harm with these units meeting, unless the BELLA unit is bleeding. If your BELLA unit is bleeding around JASPER, get her as far as 100 miles away ASAP!

EMMETT: This energetic, brawny unit is like a big brother to the BELLA unit. He loves to tease her constantly, which always results in triggering the Self-Conscious mode.

/

**Other INTERACTIONS**

CHIEF SWAN: Father of your BELLA unit. Due to their poor social skills, they don't talk to each other much, but they share a strong father-daughter bond.

FRIENDS IN FORKS DELUXE PACK: This package includes the MIKE NEWTON, JESSICA STANLEY, and ANGELA WEBER units. The BELLA unit doesn't interact much with this bunch. She has pretty much blown them off to be with the EDWARD unit for the rest of her life.

DEADLY VAMPIRE TRIO DELUXE PACK : This package includes the LAURENT, VICTORIA, and JAMES units. Whatever you do, **DO NOT** leave your BELLA unit alone with either a VICTORIA or JAMES unit, unless you are some sadistic weirdo who enjoys bloodshed. It is unknown what a LAURENT unit will do.

/

/

**HYGIENE**

Your BELLA unit is fully capable of washing herself and does not require any help. If you decide that you want bathe your unit, prepare for a big fat NO and a What-the-hell-is-wrong-with-you look.

**ENERGY NEEDS**

Your BELLA unit can easily make herself 3 healthy meals a day. It would be greatly appreciated if you cooked for her once in awhile. In order for your BELLA unit to properly function, she will require a minimum of 8 hours to sleep.

/

/

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

**Q:**I really want my BELLA unit to end up with a JACOB unit, but their relationship never goes anywhere. How can I get them together?

**A:** Well, as stated above, the relationship between these units stay platonic. But there is a special way to get them together. You must have the hidden OOC mode unlocked in your BELLA unit. In order to do that, have an EDWARD unit be completely destroyed in front of your BELLA unit and she will go nuts and develop another personality.

**Q:** My BELLA unit is mad at me for getting her an early birthday gift. I spent a bit of money on it, so why is she being such an ungrateful b*tch?

**A:** If you haven't read above, buying gifts for the BELLA unit triggers her Annoyed mode. Plus, she hates her birthday because she fears growing older than the EDWARD unit. Also buying her expensive gifts makes her feel spoiled.

**Q:** I ordered a BELLA SWAN unit, and instead I got some adorable little girl that looks like her. What is this?

**A:** You, my friend, have received a RENESMEE unit! This is the daughter/demon seed of the BELLA and EDWARD units. You may keep her if you want, or you can send her back and we will send you your correct order, FREE of charge!

**Q:**There's this weirdo chick that keeps stalking my BELLA unit. It's starting to creep me out. What should I do?

**A:** Uh-oh. It looks like your BELLA unit has become the target of a VICTORIA unit. We highly recommend getting the LA PUSH WEREWOLF PACK DELUXE PACK units to ward off the VICTORIA unit. If the stalking persists, then your BELLA unit is doomed.

**Q:** Help! My BELLA unit is throwing up blood and her ribs are breaking! It's so gross! Help, help, help!

**A:**Calm down. Has your BELLA unit been pregnant? If so, then she is giving birth to that spawn of Hell. Immediately call over an EDWARD and CARLISLE unit to deliver said spawn of Hell safely. The EDWARD unit will bite your BELLA unit to keep her alive. After all of this is over, your BELLA unit will be in a coma for a few days and will wake up as a VAMP BELLA© unit.

/

/

**TROUBLESHOOTING**

**Problem:**Your BELLA unit has been missing for a long time.

**Solution:** Your BELLA unit has probably ran away to save her mom or an EDWARD unit. If she doesn't return within 3 days, she's most likely never coming back. You are then to assume her fate and re-order a new unit.

**Problem:**You decided that it would be funny to burn the Edward plushie right in front of your BELLA unit, and now she's throwing fits and tantrums while pulling out her hair.

**Solution:**Dammit! Didn't we tell you that damaging the plushie would do that to her? She is now too malfunctioned for you to handle. Grab a large frying pan and give her a swift blow around the head. This will knock her unconscious and give you time to ship her back to us.

**Problem:**One day, you find explicit romance magazines lying around your house.

**Solution:** This is a sign that your BELLA unit is probably in "Sex Drive" and wants to _get it on_ with an EDWARD unit. Just get an EDWARD unit and just leave these two in a room alone.

/

/

**WARRANTY**

With much love and appropriate care, your BELLA unit will successfully live a happy life under your roof. Her warranty is guaranteed to last a long time, since this unit has a knack for attracting vicious vampires and may be killed by anti-Bella fans. If for whatever reason you are not satisfied with the BELLA unit, just send her back and we'll give you back a full refund, or say out loud that Edward is in Italy to commit suicide.

/

***Final Note-** IF YOU PURPOSELY IGNORE THE WARNINGS AND MISUSE THE UNIT, WE ARE ENTITLED TO REFUSE YOUR RETURN OFFER.

* * *

**crysscross: So what did you think? Good? Bad?**

_Edited April 15, 2010_


End file.
